.assalamualaykum.

00.05 am
December 15th 2009

my name is Denisa Valianty

bisa sy berteriak di sini?
sampe robek leherku.

sudah.
sy tidak tau bagaimana cara kluarkan smua.
biar sy 'nikmati' sendiri.
ko akan tau kok.
kalau sy akhirnya capai klimaks ku.

and i'm waitin for the perfect time.

i'm sorry for being so weird.
i'm sorry for being so confusing.

i promise i WILL NEVER push you to keep ours if u can't anymore.
be tough!

maaf sy slalu mau tau SMUAnya.
maaf kalau stelahnya sy buat kau mrasa bersalah sudah cerita.
maaf kalau akhirnya sy SLALU 'sakit' lagi.

this is for you.
never talk about this except if i start it first.
i'm sorry.
this is the real thing that i feel deep inside.
i just don't know how to tell you withOUT emotion.
bcause i'm scared it'll break us.

then i'll say, "let's talk about this directly."
then it didn't happen.
then u get bored.
dan masalah itu numpuk terus.

sy takut.
takut untuk bayangkan.
what u will say.
what will happen to us.

u know, i give up too fast.
i'm a loser inside.
i'm trying to be someone nice.
for all those girls.
but once i see and hear they cried for us, i seemed want to give up.
in fact, i'm hurting them. and i can't. they're my friends.
they keep being nice to me. and i keep hurting them. fvck me.

but then i remember u, and think how SELFISH I AM if i leave u just bcause of them.
i'm hurt, but that's okay. that's just me.

to be honest, sy sering punya pikiran buruk tentang kau.
kau yg cuma mau HAVE FUN sm sy.
kau yg jadikan sy taruhan.
kau yg cuma penasaran bagaimana sy.
kau yg cuma lagi plampiasan ke sy.
kau yg cuma tidak suka jomblo.

pikiran kotor slalu ada!
karena ini SAYA. saya, yg slalu suuzon.

but u always say u don't.
and i try to trust u.

u know, i just want a simple love exactly.
simple. comfort. and warm. not more.
bcause i know i can't handle it.

when u read this, maybe we're not on a fight.
mungkin kita lagi baik-baik saja.
ini bukan tulisan kemarahan, ato kengambekan, ato apapunlah.
ini cuma yaah, something u should know or not.
it depends to u.

1 pesan yg tidak akan pernah lupa sy sampaikan:
ingat smua yg sudah kita lewati SAMA-SAMA.

buat sy, mereka MAHAL.
MAHAL BANGET.

one more thing, remember this words?

"..chills run down my spine
..as our fingers entwine and your sighs harmonize with mine.."

indonesiakan, dan SMOGA ko ingat =)
FYI, i still feel like that if i'm with u.

.wassalamualaykum.

00.53 am.

.assalamualaykum Wr. Wb.

it's 01.48 am now.
i can't sleep yet.
get bored, tired of chemistry, so what else i can do beside onlining.
and listening to my musics of course.

well, actually, there are TOO much thinks in my head now.
even i really don't know how to start talk about them.
they just come and fill my head, don't give me even just a little chance to separate them; which one are needed and aren't.

then, let's see how i can hold them with my little head.


but i think better if i just type about light thing that can entertain me NOW.

i never think that i can growing up here, with all these situations, conditions, time, places, and people. i just ever thought that i'll never grow up, and will stay kids, climbing trees, shouting all the time, running everywhere, tanning (hha! sorry, MOM! =) ), and others. i'ts like a "BAM!", suddenly i'm HERE.

suddenly, i'm here.
seeing many cars, colorful cars. seeing many high buildings. seeing beautiful people.
seeing many different restaurants. seeing good schools (high building-schools). and many more.

whiles before, i just could see "ugly" beaches (my niece said), and forests.
yeah, forests. i don't know what i'd ever got in my past, that can makes me so crazy about forests, about jungle, woods, whatever u say. i just always feel, "yeah, that's home. so?" always like that.

my GRANDFA ever said that i can easily do adapt in a new place. coz i'm quite talkative. yes, that's true. (UHUK! UHUK! i'm coughing). and I WON'T EVER FORGET IT.
he said that and smiled to me. and u know, it really suggest me much thinks.
until now.

i think maybe i'm very different with all of my friends.
a thing that always make me thank to GOD is that i can feel this, HE gives me chance to be different. well, everybody's different. but maybe they just never think more about that.

i used to have a Mother, just like you all.
now, there's NO Mother anymore (for u. for me, she's still alive)
i used to have a HOME.
now, i live in my Uncle's HOUSE.
about 3 years ago, i wonder if i can continue my study at MALANG.
my Mom, who was still alive at that time, agreed.
but then sh passed away.
all desicions are made by my Daddy of course. coz he's the only parent i have NOW.

i don't know how it was going, how come the idea to send me here came.
they 'worked' for my study, required me in my SHSs in Makassar, and i don't know.
believe me, i tried to run away. but i can't.

so then, i met many new things. well, that's good for me.
like i always said, "i enjoy it".

fisrt time, i said, " SAYA TIDAK AKAN SUKA SEKOLAH INI!" (read: 01 SHS).
but i really can't pretend that 01 SHS gives me "MY LIFE".

my friends.
my girls.
my sisters.
my study.
my teachers.
my experiences.
my laughs.
my cries.
my shouts.
my breaths.
my madnesses.
my happinesses.
my sadnesses.
my trees.
my ZULFIKAR.
and others.

i can't imagine where else i can get THEM.

(can't make myself sleepy yet)

i used to say "damn u all. for sending me here."
now i appreciate it.

"THANK U VERY MUCH, for ALL u've done to me."

sometimes, there're much meaningful things that can't be told to another people,
while we want them to know.

KEEP FIGHT!

LIFE is CUTE.
u know that.
LIFE is UP and DOWN.

and for me, LIFE is DENISA.

there'll be NO LIFE for me without Denisa.

Ps.: can i add more? "DENISA, her girls, and her PRINS"

=D

time to study.
chemistry.
i can't, i think.

.wassalamualaykum.

02.40 am